I rarely eat fast food, junk food, or chain restaurant food, where every item – be it fish, meat, or fowl – is smothered with a gluey three-cheese melt. Sometimes I’m stuck in the boonies somewhere and TGIF is the only game in town. If so, I keep it simple and order the club sandwich – rather than the “quick-fried crusty ravioli filled with pulled barbeque pork.”

You won’t catch me at a Red Lobster or Olive Garden. The ambiance is institutional, the prices aren’t that terrific, and the food is blandly heavy heavy heavy. “Steak Gorgonzola-Alfredo” will put a lot of money in your cardiologist’s pocket. Amusingly, I saw a paid ad on Olive Garden’s home page that read, “Gastric Bypass Diet. Learn About Proper Dieting Following Gastric Bypass Surgery” I rest my case.

Discerning foodaholic that I am, I never thought I’d set foot in an IHOP until I spotted one of those discount coupons in the Sunday paper: “Order one entrée and get the second for free.” That’s an offer I couldn’t refuse. My chicken fajita tostada salad was actually pretty good, and large enough for a family of four. (If you finish the entire serving in most American restaurants, you are probably well on your way to morbid obesity. Wrap it up!) The IHOP experience inspired me to start using coupons for other low-price chains: Souplantation, Sizzler, Boston Market and Acapulco, which were also a lot better than expected.

I don’t eat a lot of burgers, but I’m told by meaty friends that In-N-Out-Burger is the best chain in the Southwest. This is welcome news, because my son and I invested $600 in two different million-dollar home raffles last year, and all we won was a ten buck voucher at In-N-Out. That better be a really good burger.

I am not a Starbucks aficionado: four bucks for self-service coffee in a paper cup is not my idea of a good deal.

I often picture myself as a guest on “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” and when James Lipton asks, “What is your favorite word?” my answer is “Restaurant!” I would pay extra for a house without a kitchen. I love eating out. I love the whole ritual of studying the menu, hearing the specials, and sampling tastes of other people’s dishes. I particularly love the fact that I can enjoy all this deliciousness without having done any of the work.

CHEAP EATS: GO ETHNIC

Eating out doesn’t have to break the bank or expand your waistline. My dream restaurant is a small family-run ethnic place where the chef is the owner’s grandmother. The food is tasty, exotic, and cheap. Every city has these treasures. (If you live in an area where there is no immigrant population, I suggest you move.)

In Los Angeles alone, I’ve enjoyed fabulous Persian, Armenian, Polish, Greek, Cuban, and Thai feasts for under twenty-five bucks – with enough leftovers for dinner the next two nights. That’s actually cheaper than cooking at home. Many of these places don’t have liquor licenses and allow you to bring your own wine or beer – which is another saving.

When our son got married in New York, we had to host a dinner for a gaggle of visiting Danes. We took seventeen people to a Vietnamese place in Chinatown and had a large variety of soups, spring rolls, seafood, chicken and noodle dishes for a total cost of two hundred and fifty dollars.

I’ve celebrated my birthday for the last few years by getting a private room in a Los Angeles Chinese restaurant. We invite a bunch of friends, plan the menu beforehand, and supply our own candles, flowers, and wine. We also bring in a portable CD player to create a mellow, jazzy ambience. It’s a yummy spread for a dozen people that costs a few hundred bucks. And I don’t have to do the dishes afterwards.