I love making Thanksgiving dinner: I invite a dozen people, take a few days off, and wiggle my butt to The Buena Vista Social Club while I brine, baste, and braise from morning till night. My favorite part of this ritual is setting the table: I try to create a warm, welcoming atmosphere with all the vintage linens, glowing candles, and sparkling crystal that I’ve picked up on cheap at rummage sales. Once a year (or, more truthfully, once every few years) I am a domestic goddess.
EFFORT-LESS
Everyday food preparation, however, is a rushed, harried, nerve-wracking chore that consumes time I’d rather spend at something more profitable, like listing my garage sale finds in eBay. If it weren’t for Thanksgiving, I would gladly pay extra for a house without a kitchen. You know that show, Thirty Minute Meals? Who’s got thirty minutes? (For someone who resents cooking, I do spend a lot of time watching The Food Network. Go figure.)
But we can’t eat out every night – or so Benni claims – so I try to create meals that are quick, cheap, and healthy. The good news is that the most beneficial foods are also the least expensive. A curried tofu-veggie stir-fry costs a lot less than a roast leg of lamb, and doesn’t clog your arteries like the meat-and-potato diet I grew up with. The same goes for the linguine with pesto sauce that I make from my home-grown basil. Here are some lazy-ass recipes from my I’D RATHER NOT BE COOKING files.
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I just did a radio interview about frugal living with the Pulitzer-Prize-winning journalist, Patt Morrison. (See the link in the sidebar.) We had a number of call-ins, and a few people struck me as not deserving to call themselves thrifty. I’d say they were just plain CHEAP!
One guy bragged about how he invites ladies out to lunch, then says he has to make a short stop at Costco. He picks up some small item, then steers his date to the food department where they fill up on free samples. The date then invariably says, “I’m not hungry anymore. Let’s not bother with lunch.” This guy is a shameless cheapazoid!
My friend, Ann Rita met a similar guy online. They chatted a few times on the phone, and finally agreed to get together for brunch. As they studied the menu, he suggested, “Why don’t we just split an order of toast?” I would have replied, “Why don’t you have the toast and I’ll just split!”
Then there was the wealthy woman who invited us to her penthouse apartment for lunch, handed out takeout menus, and collected our money when the food came!
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People pay big bucks to join dating services, but there are cheaper ways to make connections. You might start with friends. I was fixed up with Benni on a blind date. We met in February and got married in April, because he had just arrived from Copenhagen and needed a green card. My friends warned me that I was marrying a stranger and after he got his papers I might never see him again. I felt we were a good fit, and decided to risk it. That was a zillion years ago, and we’re still going strong – although I do have moments when I think my friends were right: I married a stranger. Maybe all spouses have those moments.
I know one woman who started attending AA meetings in Beverly Hills. She had no addiction problems, but she figured there might be some interesting single men there. I’m not sure I’d recommend that ploy. But there are plenty of classes, church groups, political and charitable organizations, etc. where you can meet people who are not recovering crack heads.
My girl friend Sara Read More »
I hate gifts. I hate giving them. I hate getting them. I hate watching people open them. I hate unwrapping presents and having to pretend that I like them. “Wow! A vegan cookbook! I’ve been wanting one of these!”
Not only do I not want any kind of cookbook, but all our available shelves are crammed with rare books for Benni’s resale business. This little baby is going right back to Barnes and Noble to be exchanged for something useful, like a Bette Midler CD – which I will play while dining on non-vegan take-out.
I have very specific tastes, and I’m much happier picking out my own presents. My poor husband has learned, after many years of hearing “Is this some kind of a joke?” when I open his gifts, (like a toaster for Valentine’s Day) that the safest thing is to just take me out to dinner. Most of my friends also respect my preference for events over things-wrapped-in-boxes, so around my birthday I get a bunch of dinner invitations which stretch the celebration out to a couple of weeks. What could be better?
One present I always do appreciate is a houseplant. Some people say 
“You can’t be too rich or too thin.” I say “You can’t have too many flowering cymbidiums.”
I live in Los Angeles, where plants are cheap. I was staying with a friend in New York, and went to a florist to buy her a house gift. The potted orchid that I can get in L. A. for twenty-five dollars was sixty bucks. When I pointed out the price difference, the florist explained that the plant, like me, had also flown in from California, and I was paying its air-fare. As with food, I guess it’s better to buy plants local.
One of the loveliest and most original gifts I’ve ever gotten 
was a birthday present from my friend, Rowena. She paid in advance at my local florist for four lavish bouquets that I could order at any time during the year. How luxurious to be able to just walk around the corner at Thanksgiving and get a pre-paid centerpiece!
WALK THE WALK
When I watch those Jane Austen series on Masterpiece Theatre, I’m always impressed by how much walking everyone does. They stroll to the village, they saunter to the squire’s mansion, they meander through country lanes just for the simple pleasure of moving one foot in front of another. I always knew that Jane Austen and I were soul mates, and this proves it. I find walking is the cheapest, healthiest, pleasantest way to get from one place to the next.
I read somewhere that New Yorkers live longer than anyone in the country. You would think that the pollution, the stress, the noise of The Big Apple might not make it the healthiest place in America, but you would think wrong. Apparently, the reason for this longevity is that New Yorkers walk. They walk fast. And they walk while carrying things. I’m based in Los Angeles now, and I’ve noticed that when I spend a few weeks in Manhattan, I eat everything in sight (you can’t get cold sesame noodles or a decent pumpernickel bread in L.A.) and always lose a few pounds.
New Yorkers are the fastest pedestrians in the U.S.A. I once arrived at Kennedy on a flight from Houston. As I sprinted off the plane, one ambling tourist drawled, “These New Yorkers are always in such a hurry!” I didn’t stop to explain that it’s because we have something interesting to hurry TO! I was in too much of a rush.
Lecco, a town in Italy, turned its school-bus system into a walk-bus system. The kids who had previously been driven to school now follow the same route on foot – accompanied by paid staffers and parental volunteers. This pied-piper arrangement diminished traffic, cut down greenhouse-gas emissions, and reduced childhood obesity: a win-win-win situation.
WORK IT!
Exercise is a way of life for many Americans. Whether it’s Curves, Swerves, or Yoga Booty Ballet, we like to get out there and make our muscles tough and buff. I used to love dance classes: jazz, tap, modern – actually, that’s a lie. I did not love modern. That class was a little too airy-fairy for me. When the instructor said, “Now turn yourself into a flower blossom and float over to your neighbor’s garden,” this little blossom just floated right out of the studio and never went back.
Benni and I took some ballroom dancing courses. We learned swing, fox trot, and some rumba, but never worked our way up to salsa. That’s still on my to-do list.
I’ve also enjoyed Yoga classes: the serene atmosphere, the gentle spinal stretches and the soothing chants. During the guided relaxation, I was, for the first time in my life, able to reach a true meditative state – if snoring with your mouth open while spittle runs down your chin can be called a true meditative state.
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I have a friend who has a house in France, and was suddenly taken ill. A visit to the local doctor would have cost four dollars, and a house call was eleven bucks. These big spenders decided to splurge and spend the extra seven dollars. American medical costs are a real problem, and I’m not the one to solve it. There are, however, a few tricks that can help ease the burden.
• The most obvious way to lower your medical bills is to live a healthy life-style. That means cutting back on the booze, smokes, pork rinds and certain – but not all – recreational drugs. It also means having a daily exercise routine, and walking or biking instead of driving. These are all no-brainers.
• You can go online and order your medicines from Canada. It’s legal, and safe, and much cheaper than buying the same item here. One southern U. S. senator objected to this practice, warning against using “socialist medicines.” If you are absolutely dedicated to unregulated free-market capitalism, then I think you should stick to your guns and pay full price.
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Since it’s the holiday season, I thought I’d share some thoughts on hosting – and attending – festivities.
COME TOGETHER
The real fun of any party is connecting with other people. There’s nothing worse than going to a shindig where you barely know anyone, and leaving the party in the same isolated state. It doesn’t cost a thing to make introductions between your guests, and it’s a much-appreciated gesture. The best technique is to hook up people with common interests. “Terry, this is Alex. Like you, he collects Nazi memorabilia.” I have a friend who celebrated sudden wealth by inviting four hundred people on a private Caribbean cruise. The journey had four legs, and each week one hundred people would disembark, and the next group would get on board. The guests were all accomplished, creative people, and there was a sprinkling of celebrities. When we arrived, we personally knew about fifteen out of the hundred. Our host had a brilliant plan for connecting strangers: Read More »
If you’re so inclined – which I am not – you can show some originality with a hand-crafted present.
• Benni went to one of those pay-by-the-hour pottery studios, and made a beautiful bowl for his partner’s wedding gift.
• Kim made me two stunning bracelets out of vintage rhinestone and Bakelite buttons. These one-of-a-kind pieces are real attention-getters, and I crave attention! 
• One Christmas, Kim and her sister made spectacular wreaths out of twigs, pine cones, dried flowers, berries and ribbons for all their friends. When I think of the long hours of patient labor that went into this project, I get overwhelmed with fatigue. Fortunately, not all of my friends are as slothful as I am.
• Brenda picks up interesting ceramic containers at yard sales. When she needs to bring a house gift, she takes a cutting from one of her succulents, and plants it in one of these pots.
I rarely eat fast food, junk food, or chain restaurant food, where every item – be it fish, meat, or fowl – is smothered with a gluey three-cheese melt. Sometimes I’m stuck in the boonies somewhere and TGIF is the only game in town. If so, I keep it simple and order the club sandwich – rather than the “quick-fried crusty ravioli filled with pulled barbeque pork.”
You won’t catch me at a Red Lobster or Olive Garden. The ambiance is institutional, the prices aren’t that terrific, and the food is blandly heavy heavy heavy. “Steak Gorgonzola-Alfredo” will put a lot of money in your cardiologist’s pocket. Amusingly, I saw a paid ad on Olive Garden’s home page that read, “Gastric Bypass Diet. Learn About Proper Dieting Following Gastric Bypass Surgery” I rest my case.
Discerning foodaholic that I am, I never thought I’d set foot in an IHOP until I spotted one of those discount coupons in the Sunday paper: “Order one entrée and get the second for free.” That’s an offer I couldn’t refuse. My chicken fajita tostada salad was actually pretty good, and large enough for a family of four. (If you finish the entire serving in most American restaurants, you are probably well on your way to morbid obesity. Wrap it up!) The IHOP experience inspired me to start using coupons for other low-price chains: Souplantation, Sizzler, Boston Market and Acapulco, which were also a lot better than expected.
I don’t eat a lot of burgers, but I’m told by meaty friends that In-N-Out-Burger is the best chain in the Southwest. This is welcome news, because my son and I invested $600 in two different million-dollar home raffles last year, and all we won was a ten buck voucher at In-N-Out. That better be a really good burger.
I am not a Starbucks aficionado: four bucks for self-service coffee in a paper cup is not my idea of a good deal.
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